How to survive in Brazil with 2 phrases...
Obrigado = Thank You
Taxi = Taxi
Anything more is just superfluous. Sure, it might be helpful, but you can get by with just those two. If one had to be more important than the other, it would be "Taxi." This is because it is your basic mode of transportation unless you have a friendly, really cool, intelligent, well-to-do, famous Brazilian architect to chauffeur you around in his Defender and just generally take care of everything1. Addresses can be written; business cards help in this case. It isn't important to know what the address you have means, or even how to pronounce it; the driver knows, and that's whose knowledge counts. It is important, however, to be polite to the driver so you end up at the proper destination and not in the back of some alley with the back of you cut open and missing pieces. This is why "Obrigado" is so important. They know you are a tourist. You can't hide that. But you can be a polite tourist. So, say it aloud now: Oh.Brie2.God.Oh. Easy, huh? Well, hopefully, if you are reading this in Brazil, you didn't butcher it horribly and the locals now see you as a slightly enlightened and polite tourist. Next time, you need to roll the "r" a little and accent the third syllable. Now you are all set for a wonderful trip through Brazil.
What about eating, sleeping, purchasing sunscreen, renting a surfboard, scoring an awesome 5-bedroom condo 20 meters3 from the beach in Guaruja (we'll get to pronouncing this a bit later) for free? You might not think so, but those things just sort themselves out. Allow each a paragraph to be explained.
Eating. Many restaraunts have English menus and the waiter will most likely give you one just because he can smell the tourism on you (yeah. you're eminating a tourist smell for which the locals have a sixth sense.)4 If you receive a Portugese menu, then you need only say "English" and point at the menu. Either you'll be given an English menu or a polite shake of the head. It's good to practice "Obrigodo" here. Of course, on the off-chance that you cannot get an English menu, but you really want to try this place, you can order by price. You can easily discern the appetizer section(beginning of the menu and cheaper) from the entrees(somewhere in the middle and more expensive) and drinks(toward the end and cheapest). All you have to do now is point at a reasonably priced item of each type that you want and hope you chose something that you'll enjoy5. If you are still skeptical, just ask your architect friend what he recommends. He'll not lead you astray.
Another alternative to eating in restaraunts is living off the land. Step one: find a fruit tree or other edible plant. Step two: pick food. Step three: eat food. There you have it. The freshest, and therefore best, oranges smell green and that's fine. They have lots of seeds, too.
Sleeping. It's a cinch to find a place to sleep. You'd have to be brain-dead not to be able to recognize a hotel6 when you see one in any country. In order to get a room, you need only walk up to the desk and whip out the old check/credit card. You've seen the commercials - "Everywhere you want to be" - "For everything else, there's..." Hotels always take plastic. Show your card and the man behind the desk will gladly overcharge you for a room. You don't have plastic, you say? You will either have to sleep in an alley (not recommended - see above comment half-way throught the first paragraph), camp out somewhere, or put down cash for your hotel room. That is, of course, unless your architect friend's sister will put you up for a few days and take exquisite care of you.
Purchasing sunscreen. Easy. Walk into a store and buy it. Just take note that instead of "SPF" you are looking for "SFP." No one can fail in this. Also, in the worst case scenario, you avoid the sun or wear long sleeves and pants. Realize now that this is not the way you want to experience Brazil, so either pack sunscreen or buy some the first day. The equatorial sun is a bit harsher than that to which most of us are accustomed7.
Renting a surfboard. In Guaruja, you have to walk up to the surf school and just start asking people about surfboards. Surfboard, longboard, and shortboard are a few words that are known all over the world, especially at the "Escola de Surf." You can ask "How much?" and hold your hand up, rubbing your thumb against your index finger for added effect. If you don't understand how much he wants, open up your wallet and let him take what he needs. Wait. On second thought, scratch that. Pull out ten reals at a time, each from a different pocket. Hopefully, it won't be more than 30 reals, so that you won't have to worry about running out of pockets. What if you decided to adopt the Brazilian custom of wearing speedos to the beach? Well, pull that money out of somewhere and hope they'll take it. It's probably not a great idea to take your wallet to the beach unless you have someone to watch it for you or you want to take it into the sea and get it all wet and salty8.
Scoring an awesome 5-bedroom condo 20 meters from the beach in Guaruja for free. This part is a little trickier. For this one, you really need to know someone who is quite well off and has other friends that are also quite well off. For instance, an architect who has had his work featured in a premier Brazilian architecture magazine, that would suffice. You see, if a friend or a friend of a friend who becomes a friend when you meet, has a place in Guaruja9 they might let you stay there for a weekend when they aren't using the place. Then you can eat at a restaraunt with weevils in the bread even though it is sealed in an airtight package from the factory; rent a surfboard (see above paragraph) and fall off of it a lot; unknowingly order three times the amount of you need and (again, unknowingly) non-alcoholic beer at another restaraunt while the waiters all watch you and laugh, speaking in that language you never thought to take the time to learn before your trip; splash and dive into the waves while the real surfers try to avoid hitting you and fall off their surfboards a lot in doing so (which irritates them); or even watch a bunch of kids play soccer at night in the middle of a rainstorm with winds over 50 kilometers per hour. The tricky part is finding those friends, so if you know anyone who knows people like that, maybe you ought to invite them around to dinner more often so you can meet their friends.
Just remember that your trip to Brazil is supposed to be fun. Let nothing stand in the way of your good times, not the weather, not the language barrier, not your friends' indecisiveness, not the person in a club in Rio that tries to kiss you even though you share the same gender, not even the eye patch swimwear10. Have a good time in Brazil and if you see anyone I know, tell them I said "Hi" and that I'll be back soon to visit.
1In this situation, you can forget about reading any further. He'll translate anything that matters and if you really want, he'll patiently help drill some common and useful phrases into that dense mass which you call a brain. Also, if there is any situation where any guide would help, he'll one-up him/her/it for certain.
2Yes, the cheese.
3Metric. Get used to it. The Unites States of America is the only country left that still uses that ridiculously ridiculousª English measuring system.
4I used parentheses so that you don't have to keep looking down here.
5It will most likely be good, unless you have special eating needs, such as lactose intolerance, Kosher or Halal (ham seems to be pretty popular in Brazil), vegetarian, etc. In that case, you probably don't want to risk it. Go somewhere else.
6If you are brain-dead, then you probably shouldn't be travelling to places like Brazil. If you are set on going, however, you can recognize a hotel by the bellhops and luggage movers. Still having trouble? Get in a taxi and say "Hotel."
7I learned this through my friend's experience. He applied sunscreen, but in patches, which caused a strange pattern of white and red on his chest and legs. Even in his speedos it looked like he was red and wearing white shorts. That's Funneh. Funneh, funneh, funneh.
8*read in the voice of Strongbad*Whoa. Made it through an entire paragraph with no footnotes. Incredible.
9Gwah-roo-JAH
10It isn't necessary to give in to this; you can make it through your trip wearing the suit you packed, but you'll be one in one thousand on the beach.
ªIt is redundant and repetitive, but I want to get my point across and I really despise the English system.°
°Yes, I did just put a footnot to a footnote, but I'll stop that train right here so it doesn't keep going and make this post any longer than it already is.
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